It’s our right as Americans to breathe open air without wearing some wussy libtard face diaper

November 19, 2021 7:00 am

United States flags blow in the wind. Credit: Getty Images.

INFECTED TALLAHASSEE — Who the hell does Joe Biden think he is, trying to force people to get life-saving vaccines?

It’s our right as Americans to breathe the open air without wearing some wussy libtard face diaper, just as it’s our right to die intubated in a hospital.

It’s all about your freedom, baby.

Gov. Ron DeSantis and the fine MAGA folks of the Florida Legislature are right here in the state capital, passing laws telling Biden where he can stick that order making businesses with more than 100 employees mandate the vax.

And yeah, it might cost the taxpayers several million for the lawsuits that’ll come out of these new bills, but keeping Florida free is worth every penny.

Anyway, they can take it from the education budget.

A surgical mask and a KN95 mask hang on display for sale at a pharmacy. Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images.

The new laws will stop schools trying to safeguard children’s health by forcing masks on them. And if your boss orders you to get the jab, you can say you have a religious objection or maybe you’re pregnant or maybe you’d rather stick a swab up your nose a couple times a week and wear a hazmat suit–which your employer has to buy for you.

Otherwise, Ron DeSantis will fine their ass — tens of thousands of dollars.

Americans are sick of following rules, you know, having to bring your airplane seat all the way up, stop at red lights, pay taxes, or do anything Washington says to do.

The governor and legislative Republicans have a clever plan to secede from the feds’ Occupational Safety and Health Administration, which does nothing but try to keep people from getting hurt. One of the new laws will give the gov $1 million to help create our very own FLOSHA.

The Chamber of Commerce likes it. So what if it’ll take years to launch, and Florida can’t do it without the feds’ permission?

By then, Ron DeSantis will be president-for-life.

The libs keep talking about “society” and “public health.” Well, if you want to be healthy, OK, but don’t try to impose your deviant values on me.

DeSantis says he’s “striking a blow for freedom” — freedom from experts, eggheads, M.D.s, Ph.D.s, empirical facts, and the parts of the United States Constitution he doesn’t like.

(Especially that thing in Article VI that says that federal law generally takes precedence over state law.)

That Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is a great role model. She won’t wear a mask in the U.S. Capitol and she won’t get vaccinated, so Nancy Pelosi docked her pay to the tune of 60 grand.

So what? Freedom is priceless.

You don’t know what’s in those so-called vaccines: Could be a George Soros plot to put tiny socialist robots in our brains. In any case, we say, “Our bodies, our choice!”

Except if you’re a woman and don’t want to have a baby.

And, as the governor points out, the vaccine mandate “isn’t about science, it’s about punishing people who are inadequately subservient to the regime.”

Our governor welcomes principled dissent, especially if you clear it with him first. He only yanked state surgeon general Dr. Scott Rivkees out of a press briefing that time because he got all medical and bucked the governor’s line on COVID safety.

high school classroom, school, education
Classroom. Credit: Pixabay.

The state took money from the schools boards because they wouldn’t do what the governor said.

Don’t those teachers understand they work for him? Yet there they are, trying to make kids wear masks so they don’t die of the Delta variant, and talking about slavery and racism in class, even though they’ve been told not to.

The professors at U.F. couldn’t testify in court because what they said might harm the governor’s excellent voting bills, and nobody wants that, right?

Meanwhile, back at the special session, that fine young righteous Right fellow Ben Shapiro, who was in town to speak on the mega-woke, conservative-repressing Florida State campus, got a tour of the House chamber from House Speaker Chris Sprowls while hordes of  patriots spoke in favor of telling Washington to butt out — right after they give us the $13 billion in infrastructure cash.

It was quite the lib slap-down in the hallowed halls of the Legislature!

You had doctors from Hawaii and even Cleveland, Ohio, showing up to witness how the feds are trying to destroy America.

One declared that “fascists from D.C.” want us to take these “dangerous and experimental drugs” as part of a “blitzkrieg against our freedom.”

You had Dr. Jeffrey Mueller of Orlando warning that we don’t really know anything about these vaccines, despite all the so-called medical trials, the scientific evidence, and the recommendations of the FDA, the CDC, the NIH, and the rest of the Deep Staters who want to crush the neck of Liberty under the jackboot of Science.

Dr. Mueller favors horse de-wormer, calling it “an incredibly effective therapeutic.”

You had nurses and first responders telling tragic stories about how they might lose their jobs if they don’t get vaccinated and stop spewing potentially COVID-infected droplets all over their cowardly co-workers.

Vaccines are stressful! Think of the trauma you suffered getting all those shots the authoritarian state made you get just to go to school: chickenpox, MMR, polio, Hepatitis B, Diphtheria-Tetanus-Pertussis.

Did the brave white men who conquered the West, requisitioning it from those Indians who weren’t making a profit off the land, worry about Hepatitis B?

Did the Pilgrims fret about measles?

Did George Washington force his troops to get the smallpox vaccine?

(OK, he did, but things were different back then.)

In the 21st century, real Americans know that they may end up bankrupted by medical bills, ignorant of their own history, and comatose with a bunch of tubes sticking in them.

We’ll still own the libs.

Freedom is worth it, right?

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Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts

Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.