Commentary

The impending miseducation of Florida’s schoolchildren

Under DeSantis, right-wing enthusiasms will take the place of knowledge

July 25, 2022 7:00 am

One-room schoolhouse in Eastpoint, circa 1906. Credit: State Library and Archives of Florida

As a great president once asked, “Is our children learning?”

Well, is they? It don’t look good, what with government schools forcing them to become communists, hate America, and vote wrong.

But never fear: Florida’s governor’s fixed that mess with new rules stopping those union-loving, Toni Morrison-reading, evolution-accepting, comfortable shoe-wearing, foreign movie-watching, gay-coddling teachers indoctrinating our precious babies into wokery.

Ron DeSantis wants the young ’uns educated with no unfair criticism of the Greatest Country that Ever Was. To that end, he’s bringing in a curriculum from Hillsdale College, a righteous institution where they love the Lord, the flag, and capitalism — not necessarily in that order.

Larry Arnn, president, Hillsdale College. Credit: Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

Teachers are the problem. As Hillsdale president Dr. Larry Arnn says, they’re “trained in the dumbest part of the dumbest colleges in the country.”

If teachers were smart, they’d have majored in business and made real money instead of going into a loser profession that pays, what, 58K max?

But like a lot of so-called “progressives,” they’re into “ideals.” They want to talk about “tolerance” and “caring” and “inequality” when they should be making sure that boys don’t go into the girls’ restroom which, as everybody knows, will destroy civilization.

Librarians aren’t helping: Pornographic material such as “Maus” (shows breasts), “Are You There, God? It’s Me Margaret” (bras, menstruation), “Slaughterhouse Five” (profanity, lack of patriotism) and the “Complete Works of William Shakespeare” (teen sex, paganism, cross-dressing) sit openly on the shelves of school libraries waiting to corrupt impressionable 16-year-olds.

History lessons

Ron DeSantis, Larry Arnn, and Moms For Liberty will ensure our children study how Christopher Columbus discovered Miami, the Pilgrims fled religious oppression by the Sheriff of Nottingham, and the Indians gave those Pilgrims the best land, then cooked turkey dinners for them. Sure, a bunch of Indians got killed when we wanted some more land, but it was their own fault for not inventing guns.

Then, during the Revolution, Americans like Mel Gibson rebelled against the evil King George the Three because they didn’t want to pay taxes and wear wigs.

George Washington as painted by Gilbert Stuart. Credit: Public domain

As for slavery, it’s over. Calm down, libs. Yes, the Founding Fathers owned some, but they loved those slaves like family! Mount Vernon overseers only whipped slaves over really bad behavior, like when Charlotte, a seamstress, was “impudent.” George Washington said whipping her with a hickory switch was “very proper.” Otherwise, the slaves had lots of outdoor fun in the cotton fields and sang a lot.

Children should also learn that the Father of Our Country was really hurt when 17 of his slaves ran away and joined the Redcoats during the Revolutionary War.

Just because the British freed them.

There’ll be a test

So, for all you God-fearing, teacher-hamstringing, decent opposite-gender parents out there, here’s the kind of patriotic curriculum Ron DeSantis and Hillsdale will soon be bringing to a home room near you.

Third Grade Social Studies Discussion Questions:

  1. Why does God like America best?
  2. Why are Chloe’s two dads going to hell?
  3. Should girls be allowed to vote?

Sixth Grade Civil Rights History Discussion Questions:

  1. Why couldn’t Rosa Parks just get up and let that white guy sit down? He was probably more tired than she was.
  2. Martin Luther King was a nice Black man who was not mad at white people. Would he have wanted you to keep talking about race when it’s so upsetting to your parents?
  3. How did Malcolm X, Angela Davis, Jesse Jackson, Janet Jackson, John Lewis, LeBron James, Tupac Shakur, Colin Kaepernick, Kamala Harris, Barack Obama, Beyoncé, and George Floyd ruin the Civil Rights Movement by calling attention to their being Black all the damn time? Like, give it a rest.

Seventh Grade Math (now free of CRT!):

  1. True or False: 1+1= 3.

Answer: True. One mommy plus one daddy makes one baby which equals three, though baby > mommy.

  1. True or False: If x=2 and y=6 and you subtract y from x, you get -4.

Answer: False! There’s no such thing as a negative number. Math professors at liberal elite colleges made that up.

  1. If Kayleigh has two five dollar bills and Kevin has twelve quarters, which one has enough to buy a $9.50 ticket to see Dinesh D’Souza’s all-American movie “2000 Mules” about how libs stole the 2020 election?

Answer: Kevin is a loser. He only has four dollars, so he needs to work harder at his two after-school jobs. He shouldn’t expect the government to bail him out.

Tenth Grade Civics Research Paper Topics:

  1. Voting is a privilege, not a right. Discuss. And don’t you think literacy tests, land ownership, and poll taxes were kind of a good idea?
  2. How would you integrate Biblical precepts into American law? Should we ban shrimp? And do you agree that, as in Exodus 21:7, it’s OK to sell your daughter into slavery?
  3. Given that Jewish space lasers, Italian satellites, and dead Venezuelans can mess with our ballots, should America stop having these messy elections once President DeSantis gets to the White House?

Parents, you are now in charge! And when the governor runs all those lib teachers out of Florida, you can take over the schools.

As that godly man from Hillsdale says: “Here’s a key thing we are going to try to do. We’re going to try to demonstrate that you don’t have to be an expert to educate a child. Because basically anybody can do it.”

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Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts

Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.

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