Commentary

U.F.’s loudmouth leftists need to straighten up and fly right!

Ben Sasse’s appointment is really about 2024 presidential politics

October 24, 2022 7:00 am
University of Florida

University of Florida campus. Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Did you see those ungrateful commie brats at the University of Florida hollering and hissy fit-pitching at Emerson Hall just because our wise and benevolent governor chose U.S. Sen. Ben Sasse, R-Some State Without A Coastline, to become president of their school?

The students, faculty, staff, and those nosy types who think they have a right to know what their government’s doing sure got their tidy whities in a twist over the secret process.

Who do they think they are?

Before this past year, when our wise and benevolent governor pushed a law to exempt university presidential searches from Florida’s sunshine laws, anybody could find out who the candidates were.

U.S. Sen. Ben Sasse, R-Neb. (Photo by Tom Williams-Pool/Getty Images)

Now the Board of Trustees meets on a full moon night in a cave hundreds of feet below the 40 yard-line at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium to choose the finalists. Or finalist.

Rumor has it other candidates included the Dalai Lama, Neil deGrasse Tyson, four Nobel laureates, and three MacArthur Genius Grant recipients, but none of them had that je ne sais quoi, that extra something — such as being the guy our wise and benevolent governor had already chosen.

The students, of course, have other beefs with Sen. Sasse.

He says marriage should be between one man and one woman — and not one of those trans types, either — so that children can have one mommy and one daddy, like God intended.

He thinks pregnant teenaged girls should have that baby whether they want to or not, because that baby deserves to have one mommy and one daddy, even if the daddy is a rapist.

They don’t like the F grade from the League of Conservation Voters, either, but come on people: Who are you going to trust, bunny-strokers and tree-cuddlers? Or a man who doesn’t deny climate change, exactly, but points out: 1. It’s not America’s fault; 2. What about India, huh? And 3. Polar bears don’t vote.

Right out of central casting

Look at him. He’s right out of central casting: clean-cut, handsome, square-jawed, even got a frat swoop going on with his hair.

And those pretty teeth! So white. (Here in Florida, we love white).

He’s even been a president before — president of an entire whole college in Nebraska. They say, “but Midland only had 1,700 students and they were Lutherans, to boot.”

Well, let me tell you, Lutherans are hardcore. In 1525, when a bunch of peasants revolted against their betters, Martin Luther called for killing them like rabid dogs. If Sasse can ride herd on a gang of Lutherans, we can trust him to handle the campus rabble of unwashed English majors, pronoun-shifters, Ibram X. Kendi readers, math nerds, Women’s Studies grad students, and atheists.

You can’t attack the guy’s academic chops, either. His Ph.D.’s from Yale. Yeah, that’s an elitist pinko college, but remember that our wise and benevolent governor also went to Yale. So did Clarence Thomas, George W. Bush, and Justice Brett Kavanaugh. Not every Yalie comes out of that hellhole of intellectualism ruined by radical attacks on the superiority of Western Civilization.

The loudmouth leftists protesting there in Emerson Hall better straighten up and fly right.

And speaking of “right,” Sen. Sasse admits he voted to impeach our beloved former president because 45 instigated an armed insurrection. No doubt there are some hurt feelings down at Mar-a-Lago.

But this is realpolitik, people! Sasse knows that, in a couple of years, God will put Ron DeSantis in the White House, large and in charge and ready to reshape our democracy to look something like, say, Hungary.

So, sing it with me, children: “Whatever Ronnie wants, Ronnie gets, and little Sasse, little Ronnie wants you!”

Sure, cynical progressives suggest that though Sasse calls U.F. “the most interesting university in America right now,” this is really about succession. Sasse had indicated he might be interested in a 2024 presidential run himself. Parking him in Alachua County neutralizes any challenge to our wise and benevolent governor and kind of sticks it to Trump, who should know it’s DeSantis’ turn to beat up on democracy.

Some GOP insider told a reporter, “Everyone knows what this is about: Ron and Don.”

Uppity eggheads

Mori Hosseini, chair of the University of Florida Board of Trustees. Credit: U.F.

In any case, our wise and benevolent governor needs Sasse at U.F. so that he and Board of Trustees Chair Mori Hosseini can keep those uppity eggheads in line and hire awesome faculty like Dr. Joseph “Data are Overrated” Ladapo, who says you don’t need no stinking COVID vaccines, especially if you’re a dude aged 18 to 39. That needle could give you a heart attack or something!

Immunologists at labs and hospitals all over the country dissed our surgeon general’s report for not being peer-reviewed or naming any authors, but this is cutting-edge research. Sometimes you just have to break some rules, ignore some safety procedures, and risk a winter-time COVID rampage.

The University of Florida needs this kind of creative, seat-of-your-pants, fact-free, lib-owning science that validates what we hear on “Tucker Carlson Tonight.”

Ben Sasse will make sure the Gator Nation gets that kind of science, too. And he won’t be giving namby-pamby academic tea parties while socialist students riot in the streets of Gainesville demanding rights for trans violinists and insisting that football players learn to read. He’ll tell it like it is and make it like he wants it to be — or like the governor wants it to be.

The senator is an education philosopher, too. He says student loan forgiveness is “subsidizing failure.” State money for higher ed should be tied to student earning potential. He says that while “the liberal arts inarguably make this world a better place,” they don’t necessarily make that pile of cash all real Americans crave. If you insist on majoring in some useless low-wage subject like art history or ecology, don’t expect taxpayers to pony up.

As for top university accrediting agencies like the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools, Sen. Sasse calls them “cartels.”

In a strange coincidence, Florida’s already on the case. When those snooty SACS bookworms decided to investigate U.F. for refusing to allow lib profs to testify against new laws making it hard for certain people (you know who I mean) to vote, our wise and benevolent governor said, “You’re fired!”

Florida colleges now have to shop for new accrediting agencies, ones that might be a little less picky about, you know, “academic freedom.”

U.F. might try Craig’s List.

Get with the program!

The wokesters need to get with the program. No longer will Florida universities be a refuge for warped ideas about the existence of more than two genders or how white people killed Indians to take their land or the earth revolving around the sun.

As for the secret process, well, does the College of Cardinals let just anybody in when they’re picking a new pope? Does Yale’s Skull and Bones invite tourists in to witness their rites?

Secrecy is efficient, people: Look at China. You don’t hear people in Beijing whining about not having a vote. And they’re so happy!

Give it up, Gators. Sasse is a done deal. Next time you see him, he’ll be wearing an orange and blue polyester tie and fetchingly cocking his head, listening for his master’s voice from Tallahassee.

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Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts

Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.

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