Commentary

The only doctors Florida needs are Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Dr. Laura, and Dr. Feelgood

December 19, 2022 7:00 am

Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo (left) and Gov. Ron DeSantis (right) held a roundtable discussion on actions against COVID-19 vaccines, among other announcements, on December 13, 2022. Credit: Screenshot/Facebook

Doctors! Those guys are a menace to decent Americans.

They make us pee in paper cups. They tell us to stop eating Mickey D’s super-sized fries for breakfast. They want us to exercise. Sometimes they demand to take our actual blood, the sick bastards.

Worst of all, they shove needles in us and have the brass-faced, copper-bottomed gall to claim it’s for our own good.

But no mas to the hell to the no! Our governor is fixing to fix this medical mess. He’s going to get a Grand Jury to investigate what he so rightly calls “crimes and wrongdoing” in the vaccine industrial complex.

Healthcare professional in protective gloves and workwear holding a tray of COVID-19 vaccine vials. Credit: Getty Images.

Big Pharma, George Soros, and the Illuminati have brainwashed government doctors at the CDC, the FDA, the AMA, the JAMA, the NEJM and the rest of those so-called “experts” pushing that mRNA vaccine on the free citizens of Florida.

You don’t know what that stuff does to you. They’ve only been working on it since 1988 and all sensible people, which is to say the people Ron DeSantis talks to, know that you can’t be 100 percent sure Bill Gates didn’t put a tracking chip in there.

Or that those chemicals won’t make you grow another head. Or rearrange your DNA to turn you into a Democrat.

And what if you become magnetic and stick to your own refrigerator door?

This is obviously a conspiracy. As the governor’s petition to the state Supreme Court says, it’s “impossible to imagine that so many influential individuals came to this view on their own.”

I mean, who are you going to believe, our governor (he went to Harvard Law!) and our surgeon general, Joe Ladapo (he went to medical school at Harvard!), or a bunch of elitists who, OK, maybe a lot of them went to Harvard Medical, too, but the liberal doctor establishment brainwashed them into believing in so-called “empirical data” which means they can’t recognize the influence of Satan when they see it.

Thank God Gov. DeSantis is here to get to the bottom of this so-called “pandemic.”

“Medical professionals” claim the unvaccinated were nine times more likely to die than the vaccinated. “Journalists” point out that in 2021 our governor said, “These vaccines are saving lives” and if you get one, “the chance of you getting seriously ill or dying from COVID is effectively zero.”

But the governor only said that stuff because the America-hating “Dr.” Anthony Fauci (you know he believes in evolution) lied, telling citizens that taking a needle full of Pfizer would protect them from the virus.

Also maybe because the governor needs to get more anti-science MAGA voters in 2024.

(And what’s wrong with that?)

Dr. Anthony Fauci in 2020. Credit: Wikimedia Commons.

Clearly, “Dr.” Anthony Fauci needs to be investigated. He pooh-poohed the president’s excellent idea of drinking disinfectant. He forced Americans to wear masks, denying them their constitutionally protected right to facial freedom.

Has anyone checked to see if Fauci is an agent of the Chinese? He sure talks like a communist.

In a recent interview, he said, “We’re all in this together. We’re all human beings and we’re all susceptible to disease that can kill us.”

Not in Florida. It can’t kill us. We are too free to die. And we don’t believe in being “all in this together.” That’s socialism. If we’re in anything, it’s individually.

Wuhan Tony can tell us till he’s blue in the face that some study by the Commonwealth Fund (clearly a collectivist cell) shows that COVID-19 vaccines made by Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson saved over 3.2 million American lives and kept 18.5 million out of the hospital during 2020 and 2021.

Here in Florida, we don’t believe these gross untruths. Those pictures of old people on ventilators? Crisis actors.

Do your own research.

Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo, December 13, 2022.  Screenshot/Facebook

Dr. Joe Ladapo will take care of us. Just a couple of months ago he published his own study which says that guys 18-39 shouldn’t get vaxxed because they could have a heart attack and die.

Of course, snobs at the Institute for Vaccine Safety at Johns Hopkins and the American Academy of Pediatrics say that Dr. Ladapo’s report isn’t valid because it relies on a very small sample, has a flawed methodology, no named authors, and no peer review. One of these snooty MDs even said any medical journal would reject it “unless you were paying them to publish it.”

Well, what’s wrong with making a little money, huh?

It doesn’t matter anyway. Florida does things the Florida way, which means Ron DeSantis’ way. The best way.

Plus, Dr. Ladapo is a genius and the governor’s putting him in charge of a new Public Health Review Committee to take a long, hard look at the DC snake oil forced down our gullets by medical dictators.

No longer will a bunch of geeks with fancy degrees be in charge of our well-being. Floridians will be liberated from busybody science and allowed to believe whatever we want, never mind “facts,” never mind loser “physicians” who get their jollies poking things into your flesh and looking at your naked x-rays.

Dr. Ladapo and his crack team of Public Health gurus will dig deep into the central medical topics of our time, including:

*Penicillin–will it make you go moldy no matter what the CDC says?

*Who died and made the CDC God, anyway?

*How eating lots of fruit–lots and lots of fruit–can help you ward off everything from COVID-19 to bunions to broken arms.

*Are most diseases caused by demonic possession? How the Deep State refuses to tell the truth about the minions of Hell and the ways they infiltrate us through fluoridated water.

*Why not give exorcists medical licenses? They’re professionals, too.

*Little children are forced to get repeatedly jabbed with needles containing chemicals before they are allowed to go to school. This is sick and weird. Perhaps we should just make children eat two pounds of bananas every day.

Floridians have our own understanding of “health.” After all, we live in a very special place.

Blue-green algae blooms. Credit: UF/IFAS, University of Florida

Our life-giving water isn’t merely blue: sometimes it comes in an attractive shade of avocado green.

You don’t have to hook fish to benefit from eating those beneficial fish oils; in Florida they wash up on the beach for you to scoop up, already dead!

Vitamin D? We’ve got all you need and more, no expensive pills. Just lie around outside for a few hours. You’ll see that skin start to crinkle and turn red. You’re done!

Plus, our state has many opportunities for exercise, including sprint swimming, best done in alligator-rich ponds, or rowing down flooded streets, and riding on cute carts across highly fertilized lawns in pursuit of a small ball.

See? We don’t need people with white coats and stethoscopes.

The only doctors Florida needs are Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Dr. Laura, and Dr. Feelgood.

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Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts

Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.

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