Author

Diane Roberts

Diane Roberts

Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo.

COMMENTARY

Wait, you’re not going to drink that, are you? (Or swim in it or even touch it?)

By: - July 10, 2019

The water is trying to kill you. The Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean, plus Florida’s rivers and springs and lakes and streams and sloughs and marshes and creeks and sinks, can be–and often are–deadly. Wait, you’re not going to drink that, are you? What comes out of Florida’s taps can be a bit […]

COMMENTARY

Cruelty, Inc.

By: - June 28, 2019

You will have heard the news: on Monday, June 24th, Customs and Border officers removed a couple of hundred children from a filthy, overcrowded “detention center” on the Mexico border. Come Tuesday, June 25th, 127 of those same children were returned to that same detention center, a place called “inhumane” by lawyers who had seen […]

COMMENTARY

Who says American elected officials have to stay in America to do their jobs?

By: - May 29, 2019

Why all the fuss about Gov. DeSantis, the Florida Cabinet, and 94 of his besties making a little pilgrimage to the Holy Land? When the Count of Toulouse set off for Jerusalem in 1096, he brought with him a dozen clerics, at least 40 nobles, and a few thousand French soldiers, plus his wife and […]

COMMENTARY

Stop! Just stop playing politics with Hurricane Michael victims

By: - May 21, 2019

Ever been to Seaside, the “New Urbanist” community in Walton County? It’s  gorgeous: front porches, picket fences, bike paths, glossy magnolia trees, and even glossier people. I spent a week there earlier this month and didn’t encounter a single florescent Redneck Riviera t–shirt or Spring Breaker bar smelling of spilled beer. Seaside is the perfect […]

COMMENTARY

Talk about a throwback. The Florida Legislature’s hellish time travels

By: - May 7, 2019

Your legislators have left Tallahassee. But not before they voted Florida back to 1877. Old times not forgotten! Good times! Only God’s chosen were allowed to exercise the franchise, you could dump any damn thing into the rivers and the lakes, dredge and drain and build any damn thing you wanted on your property, and […]

COMMENTARY

Who needs trees? We want toll roads!

By: - April 26, 2019

Trees! What have the bastards ever done for you? Trees just sit there sucking up that CO2 we manufacture for them with our Escalades and our F-150s, and how do they repay us? By dropping pollen on us all spring and falling over on purpose during football season, knocking out the TV right when you […]

COMMENTARY
gun training class

Let us educators pack some decent heat!

By: - April 10, 2019

Hell, yeah, teachers should be armed. It would totally cut down on the whining about next week’s trigonometry test. And that kid Dwight? Next time he mouths off, I’m going to pull the Glock 9mm out of my paperclip drawer and say, “Hey, Dwight: Why don’t you shut up and solve that quadratic equation? Make […]

COMMENTARY

God Hates a Berkeley

By: - April 2, 2019

Florida, beware! Our colleges teeter on the brink of becoming like a certain institution in a certain deranged state on the Leftist Coast where they openly embrace Hispanic vowels, plastic bag bans and Pete Buttigieg. Worse, they allow, nay, encourage! students to commit activism, a direct result of thinking. Not the sort of thing we […]

COMMENTARY

The Florida book banners are back

By: - March 20, 2019

Ignorance marches on in Florida, meeting with little or no resistance from your state legislature. They’re thinking of banning books again. A bill birthed in the febrile minds of an outfit called the Florida Citizens Alliance, HB855/SB1454 would allow parents to insist school districts protect innocent tykes from the knowledge that anthropogenic climate change is […]

COMMENTARY

Now in Washington, multimillionaire Rick Scott still out there hustling for more cold cash

By: - February 20, 2019

No doubt you’ve been wondering whatever became of Rick Scott, the fellow who wrested the title of Worst Governor Ever from Sidney J. Catts  soon after he was elected in 2010. Scott was last seen in Tallahassee shortly after the November midterms squealing like an outraged tapir when his lead over incumbent Florida senator Bill […]

COMMENTARY

Good luck with your plan to control Florida women, dude

By: - January 28, 2019

Women are becoming CEOs, joining the military, voting, running for office, walking around like they’re as good as a dude! And some men just can’t take it, dang feminists busting their nads. Their response is to concoct ever more absurd ways to control women’s bodies. Florida Rep. Mike Hill of Pensacola has come up with […]

COMMENTARY
rick scott

Thanks but no thanks, Rick Scott

By: - January 14, 2019

On the same night Donald Trump got on national television to spew a pack of nonsense about the border “crisis,” Florida’s ultimate bottom-feeder, Rick Scott, threw a self-congratulatory “Sunshine Ball.” In Washington, D.C. In the middle of a government shut-down. Tickets, appropriately named after credit cards, ranged from $100,000 “Platinum,” down to “Bronze,” though for […]